July 20, 2014 10:43 PM
Last night was unbelievable, unexpected, and maybe even unforgettable. It wasn’t my thing to do that kind of act. I just felt the urge to do it. I just wanted to try it too. I was just curious. And I did it with the person I barely even know for almost a month. He was just too irresistible. But how stupid can I be?
I don’t remember how we started. What I know is that you got my number from my high school buddy who is your college classmate. I knew you were just like some other guys who would text a girl out of boredom. I didn’t mind though because I am used to that.
First few days were fun and okay though. We haven’t talked about anything that much. Until one day our conversation became shorter and dryer, to the point that I even had to delete your name from my contacts because you weren’t texting often anymore. I didn’t care. You weren’t important back then.
Then last Friday, you eventually texted me again and I didn’t knew it was you. Your number was unregistered. You were asking me if I could go out and drink with you and your friends that night. I said no because I had my duty at work. You asked me again if I can make it tomorrow, then I said I’ll try because I haven’t got money yet. I don’t like going out without having my own money. Still, you pursued to make me come out with you and I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to assume that you like me or interested to me. I was kind of confused but I tried not to think about it.
Saturday came and I said maybe I’ll be late to meet you up with our 9pm meeting. I was in my friend’s birthday party then. I wasn’t even sure if I would still meet you up that night but you were flooding my inbox with your text messages that showed anger or sadness or something like that. I didn’t mind that attitude of yours. I wanted to assume that you really want to see me and be with me. But I don’t want that to be my mindset.
It was raining when I first met you. You were taller than me than I expected. You weren’t that handsome but you were cute and just right for my eye. I liked you the first time I met you. You were nice and every time I become silent, you would look me in my eyes and ask if I’m okay. I would just say yes I am okay and smile back at you.
It was like that the whole time when we were still drinking in the restaurant-bar. We were celebrating your pre-birthday celebration. Maybe I should feel special because you chose me to be with you that night. I was thinking negatively that maybe you could have invited other girls who were prettier or hotter than me, and yet you still chose to be with me.
As the night goes darker, you started to become very clingy and touchy. First, you held my hand and I didn’t know why you were doing that. What I did is that I just chose to hold back your hand. Your hand was big and warm. It was fine with me. I felt there was a spark between us. I just thought so. Then you held my waist and had me nearer and closer to you. You were leaning your head in my shoulder. You were kissing the back of my neck and I really liked that.
But I didn’t want to let it go further. I didn’t want to get too high of my feelings and emotions, because I know there’s a possibility that I might fall hard. And that is just too painful to bear. I didn’t want to handle heartache again.
Right after that session, we got ourselves at your friend’s home. We stayed in a room, just the two of us. And everything started there.
Your lips reminded me of someone who’s been longing so much for a passionate kiss. It was very unique for me. It was like your lips were too excited to meet mine. I liked that, you know. We were supposed to make out only. Make out only. I didn’t expect it to go further than that. I didn’t expect that I will let myself to let it go further than that.
It was all plain and casual. No strings attached. It should be like that, and my mistake is that I know I am attached to you. It may not be obvious because I don’t want you to think that I am head over heels for you. You don’t deserve to feel that way.
I am ready to love you, only if you would let me. If not, it’s just okay. I won’t mind. I am used to being rejected anyway. Right now, I only need one thing from you; closure. I want to ask you series of questions that will definitely make me have peace of mind. I want to ask you; what am I to you? Did you ever like me at all? Did you only wanted that thing from me? If you don’t like me, do you like someone else now? Do you feel so manly now? Are you happy now? I want to know your honest answer because I am not kind of happy right now. You left me confused and devastated at the same time.
I was happy though when I was with you. I want to thank you for making happy in a short span of time. You came out of the blue. You came when I least expected. You were a very big surprise in my life. You were a turning point. I am wishing that somehow you could have been the game changer, but I know you’re not. You’re far from becoming something like that. But I am still hoping.
I used to love the rainy weather, because it’s cold and it’s nice to lie around my bed.
Now I hate rainy days, because it was raining when I first met you.
losing everything but weight
Do not say the words ‘I care’. Do not sound them out, slowly and softly, and let them curl from your lips like smoke.
Do not say the words ‘I care’. Any mouth can make those two sounds, and my broken and fragile heart is straining against my ribcage to believe it.
Do not say the words ‘I care’, unless you are saying it with your heart too, and you are saying it as a sweet and strong webbing to hold me together"